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News THIS! – Exam Passes Up Again; “Kids Still Dumb” Says Government


A few years ago I tried my hand as a writer of news satire. I’d comb the Interwebs and select an article to parody. Watch as I crank the gyros on the Archiv-O-Matic to bring the articles back… FROM THE PAST.

Historical Note: This was in response to the inevitable media outcry that accompanied every single year’s exam results being published.

LONDON, England –UK Government sources decry once more the shameful failings of Britain’s education system. Despite continual pressure to increase performance in a measurable way, teachers and pupils are failing themselves and each other by allowing the GCSE pass rate to increase year-on-year.

A leading expert in the field, Professor Ihaff Nopanz of the University of Watford (Just off the A41, next to Tesco and the Travel Inn) says that until this situation is rectified, the entire academic community should be ashamed.

“It is because of shameful lapses like this we cannot determine if the Government’s initiatives to reduce truancy, increase pay and conditions for teachers and provide better classroom facilities is improving the situation. Teachers across the land should be disciplined, and harshly, to ensure that next year’s results are different.”

Pupils were asked for their opinions on the matter.

“Well I thought I worked really hard. I revised for four months and I spent weeks honing my coursework right up until the moment of submission. I guess the six A grades I got are just reflections of the system’s inadequacy, rather than a reward for my own effort.” — Kenny, 16, Markyate

“Its good to know that after years of being told that these exams are the most important in my young life so far, the national media is telling everyone that the results are meaningless.” — Jackie, 16, Blackditch

On a related note, plans are being drawn up to abolish coursework on the grounds that it is far too easy for children to find the solution on the Internet. Professer Nopanz has something to say on this matter too:

“In this day and age, it is obvious that the ability to memorise meaningless information is far more important than the ability to search the resources available and present the results meaningfully. The children who have taken this short cutwill soon find that in real life, you can’t just search for solutions to common problems online and amongst your peers – you must suffer and struggle, preferably using a system involving filing cards and logarithm tables.”

At the end of the press conference a journalist asked if the results might possibly be a result of kids knuckling down to do some proper work for once, but Professor Nopanz merely inclined his head slightly to indicate for his burly, black-clad minders to remove the troublemaker from the room.


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2 thoughts on “News THIS! – Exam Passes Up Again; “Kids Still Dumb” Says Government

  1. therealsomini on said:

    Prof Nopanz’s comments are a disgrace.
    Prof. Shiisn A. Caad has presented a much better point by forcing the return of capital punishment for arithmetic errors.

  2. Professor Caad’s stance is reactionary and old fashioned. These days we should be campaigning to taze schoolchildren, not beat them.

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