Historical Note: On favoured Smingleigh hang-out RPS, The Random One mentioned that he had wanted to write a They Fight Crime story about a Dwarf and an Elf working together. This totally tickled me and I got carried away with little vignettes of their adventures.
Elf Cop: Damn it Dwarf Cop, you’re a loose cannon!
Dwarf Cop: *beheads Elf*
Suspect: What, is this some sort of “good cop, bad cop” routine?
Dwarf Cop: More like “bad cop an’ his axe, an’ th’ Elf sits still an’ shuts up or he gets th’ axe too” routine.
Suspect: That’s police brutality!
Elf Cop: He really is quite insane, you know. If it is any consolation, I don’t rate my own chances of surviving this interview to be significantly higher than yours.
Suspect: I’ll talk! I’ll talk!
Dwarf Cop: So talk. If ye don’t talk to my likin’, I’m gonna behead ye an’ swear a mighty oath on yer dyin’ blood to stamp out yer family, root and branch, an’ I’ll not rest ’til everyone ye love is dead to th’ last whelp. When I’m done with them I’ll hire genealogical researchers t’ find ever more obscure relatives, until the distant get o’ yer great-grandfather’s philanderin’ ways is gurglin’ his last an’ no longer needin’ his account at the local milliner’s.
Elf Cop: I will admit to being reluctantly impressed that he knows how to use words as long as “genealogical researchers” and “philandering” correctly, and I never thought I’d hear a properly chilling threat that concludes on the word “milliner’s”. It would seem that he conserves most of his syllables, and indeed most of his intellect, for the issuing of threats.
Elf Cop: If you got a good look at the man who attacked you, my hirsute and rotund colleague here is, surprisingly, highly ranked among his kind for his artistic endeavours. And not just for his song-burping talents. Please don’t ask about his song-burping talents, or he’ll start on the Dwarfish Anthem, which lasts three days and concludes with an axe-wielding berserker attack.
Victim: Uh, he was human.
*Dwarf Cop launches himself into a frenzy of chopping with his axe on his wooden desk*
*On the desk is a masterful engraving in pine wood of a male human and a female human. The male human is attacking the female human. The female human is screaming. This engraving is to commemorate the attack of a male human on a female human in the year 1263.*
Victim: His hair was a little longer.
Dwarf Cop: Then I’m gonna need another desk.