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News THIS! – Blizzard announces new “Titan” details


29 May 2013

Executive Sauna, Blizzard HQ, Irvine, California — Blizzard announced at a press conference today that their project “Titan”, which was assumed by games industry press to be a cutting edge “next generation” MMO, is instead a plan to send a mission to Saturn to retrieve its moon “Titan” and tow it back to Earth to open as a World of Warcraft theme park as soon as 2016.

The California-based developer has secretly been constructing an enormous machine in their car park which will fly to the Saturnian moon and ferry the celestial body back the uncountable dozens of miles between Saturn and Earth. This was achieved in the utmost secrecy by disguising it as one of the ubiquitous heaps of money the developer keeps in freely-accessible locations for management and senior employees to roll around in.

The theme park will be stocked with full animatronic recreations of Warcraft lore and important events, including the Fall of Quel’Thalas, the Battle of Mount Hyjal, and the epic uninterrupted six month corpse-camping and griefing campaign by _xXLoL(.)(.)WaFfLeS69Xx_ the gnome warlock. The Blizzard spokesman refused to comment on rumours that the animatronics are repurposed robot killing machines from Blizzard’s much-hyped but never seen “Build A Huge Robot Army And Conquer Everything” project.

Blizzard insiders, who insist on anonymity to protect against punitive reassignment to the polygon mines, have raised concerns about shortcuts taken in the design of the ship which will fly to Saturn. The most commonly cited concern is that the ship’s life support facilities are inadequate, but the Blizzard spokesman insists that the ship has been equipped with enough money to buy all the oxygen they need once they reach Saturn.

When asked about the inevitable widespread economic, atmospheric, tidal, and tectonic collapse the introduction of another moon to the Earth’s orbit would cause, the Blizzard representative inclined his head like a puzzled dog, then motioned for a dozen burly, black-clad minders to remove the troublemaker from the room.


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