Smingleigh Starcraftnauts Players X-Treme
Historical Note: This was originally a comment on Rock Paper Shotgun in response to I Got Pineapples
Dear Sir, Madam, Robot, or possibly some sort of Dog,
I read with interest your progressive policies towards the ethical treatment of those unfortunates society chooses to call “professional Starcraft II players”.
I note with approval your stance on feeding them sometimes as often as daily. A Starcraft player, fed upon a performance-enhancing diet of raw shrimp, has a superior balance in the humours, as long as you can prevent the sluggardly phlegm from accumulation. I find the application of leeches directly to the mousing hand drains the phlegmatic fluids and melancholy bile and allows the free flow of fighting choler.
On the subject of discipline I prefer not to administer correction personally as they may become confused by the beatings when administered by the hand that feeds them. I find it more efficient to simply send them to the game-front to battle each other, then have the winners flog the losers. The traditional bracket system suffices to winnow the herd down to one undefeated (and unbeaten! Ho, ho!) player, who should receive a personal thrashing from the gaming foreman to increase morale.
There is one persistent problem I hope you will be able to shed some light on, and that is the delicate matter of gamer husbandry. I have some promising traits I’d like to fix in the herd, such as superior Marine stutter-step micro, larva control, and cannon rushing, but so far they have proven to be shy breeders. Perhaps you have had more luck than I, and might have one or two interesting bloodlines we may cross. I look forward to any advice you might have.
Yrs. Sncr. &c,
His Nibs, A. C. “Custard” Smingleigh, OBE (withdrawn)