The Blogging Parlour

I think I have some biscuit crumbs down my trousers.

For Stubborn Stains

Fus Ro Whale

Mages! Are you tired of the traditional spell selection of Fireball, Lightning Bolt, and Earthquake? These are the same spells your grandfather used! Probably on your other grandfather! Don’t your enemies deserve better?

Worry no more, for we here at the Extreme Magical College™ spend our days researching the most radical tomes of spellcraft, communing with only the most awesome gods, and snowboarding on the most forbidden peaks in the world! All this to bring you the most innovative spells to obliterate your foes, like Power Word: Disco™, Bento’s Resplendent Constipation™, and Mordecai’s Pointy Stick That Just Won’t Stop Poking™!

Now unleash the full power of aquatic mammals at your enemies with Summon Orca! Nine tons of muscle, teeth, and blubber! Throw them at your enemies, drop them on your enemies, summon them in your enemies’ digestive tract, use them to bridge a small chasm, clear out pesky seal infestations, feed a family of four for eight months… The uses are endless!

Order now and we’ll throw in a Gem of True Smelling – Why SEE your enemies in the dark, when you can SMELL them?

If the results are not to your liking, just fill out our simple refund request form* and we guarantee you’ll get what’s coming to you!

*: Any similarity between the refund form and a scroll of Summon Angry, Hungry Weasels is purely coincidental.

This post first appeared as a comment on Rock Paper Shotgun on February 21 2013.

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