I Am Aperture
A guest post by Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science Innovators.
Cave Johnson here. I’m getting the hang of this “blogging” now. And they told me I should hire someone to write this for me! Who’s laughing now, Marketing suits? If they even still have suits. I fired them all. I gave them such bad names they’ve probably had to eat those suits by now.
Only now do they discover what thousands of people the world over know: Once you’ve worked for Cave Johnson, you’re unhireable. Nobody wants employees after Cave Johnson has finished with them.
Remember I wrote a blog-thing about our Blue Sky Thinking? I thought I’d follow that up with another of my secret tips and tricks – Time Management. It’s just one of the many techniques I used to become one of America’s Most Influential Men. Have you ever finished a day and worried that everything wasn’t finished? Have you ever wished you had a few more hours to work on a project before the deadline? At Aperture, my boys and girls literally have more hours in their days.
It’s simple. When my employees are working in my Enrichment Center they are subjected to constant, unvarying light. This totally messes with their internal sense of time. So I banned all personal clocks and watches from the facility. The only clocks that my boys and girls get to see are controlled by me! I have a little dial in my office that allows me to slow down or speed up the rate at which the clocks move. During the week I slow the clocks down so the day lasts 30 hours. During the weekend I crank the speed up again so Saturday and Sunday take only 20 hours each. It’s simple! Okay, there’s a slight drawback which is that the Enrichment Center is slowly falling behind the rest of the world as far as the date is concerned – so far we’re up to 6 months difference. But it has definite pluses for me when it comes to paying their salary!
This is Cave Johnson, signing off. Time for a nap.