The Blogging Parlour

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Correct Interview Technique

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Historical note: Alec of Rock Paper Shotgun had an interview with Ken Levine of Irrational. Some thought he was a bit too deferential. This is my take. Because it is sadly necessary, this post comes with a warning for parody and hyperbole, and was produced in a facility that also handles peanuts.

Well to start, Alec should have kicked open the door and put Ken in a headlock. I could’ve done that, but then, I know karate and jujitsu and Shanghai Municipal Police Basic Self Defence. Also I carry a knife in my pocket and a gun in my teeth and my forehead has to be registered with the local authorities wherever I go because I once killed a man with it. True story.

Once you’ve got the interview off to that great start, you go straight for the important questions, like Elizabeth’s breasts. Why aren’t they bigger? Why are they so covered up? Is this a game for homos? That last question is important, because you don’t want to be playing no homo game.

At this point I expect security will have been called, so you might have to lay down some righteous smack on a few faces, just to lighten the monotony. You can’t make an interview without breaking a few eggs, right? Once you’ve warmed up on the hired help, you can get back to the questions.

How many dudes do I kill in the game? And can I dominate them once I’ve killed them? Or maybe I could dominate them before I kill them, because I’m, you know, so leet. Has he considered giving the player a sniper rifle? One that shoots guns that shoot bullets as they fly towards the bad guy and he’s like “whoa that’s so cool” just before he dies? Why doesn’t the player have armour like Halo dude? Halo dude is cool. They should change the player to be Halo dude except about 20% cooler.

Right about now the real heavy hitters should be entering the room. This is where I show off my wicked cool moves in slow-motion, a few kicks to the head, and there’s probably some blood. I might get my shirt ripped to show off my pecs (which are epic btw but no homo). I’d be totally Bruce Lee on their asses. Then I’d knock Ken out with one surprise punch, and say “later, noobs” before I jump out the window like Batman catching the plane in the Batman with the Joker in it. That was such a cool movie. The player should be like Batman too.

This post first appeared as a comment on Rock Paper Shotgun on January 23 2013.

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