I Am Aperture
A guest post by Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science Innovators.
Cave Johnson, man of tomorrow here. Tomorrow is bright, and tomorrow is already here, here at Aperture Science.
That’s right, Aperture gets tomorrow first. We actually have a satellite in orbit over the International Date Line, beaming us a continuous video feed from the far side, so we can always take a look into tomorrow for inspiration. One day we’ll send an expedition deep into tomorrow, to make contact with the strange future-men who dwell there.
But that’s a story for another day. I’m still suspicious of this “blog” stuff. But I didn’t get to be on the Most Influential Men in America list* by sitting on my ass. I work for what I want, and if I’m sitting on my ass it’s because my ass is working for what I want. One of those four-eyes from the science pods told me a blog is a computer thing. I have a computer. It’s the best damn computer money can buy.
That Aperture Science mainframe is immense. It has flashing lights, spinning tapes, and the biggest damn stack of punch cards anyone has ever bought. They had holes punched in all sorts of places, no two of them were the same. For that much money, you’d think they would have been properly punched. When I saw them, I hired an intern to sit there and punch those suckers properly. Took him three weeks. He got carpal tunnel, but you could have used them to drain pasta when he was done. Those computer eggheads just stared and cried tiny, girly tears of joy when I showed them.
It has everything but the little bell doohickey that goes ding when it’s done. I subcontracted IBM for it, but IBM wanted $20,000 for that little dinger. Cave Johnson is nobody’s fool. I got that intern to stand by the computer and ring a little bell when he saw the computer had finished its stuff. Only paid him $4,000 per annum to do it too, and I didn’t even have to pay him any benefits. Vocational training, we called it. Work in IT is hard to get, I’m sure he was grateful. He retired last week after thirty five years working for me. I’ll miss that bell.
Anyway, that huge chunk of raw Aperture Science computation sits in the basement and it guzzles electricity like there’s no tomorrow. Don’t be afraid, there is a tomorrow – I just checked. That computer is top of the line, and it crunches numbers like the Manhattan Project crunches atoms. Except without the bang. Hmm. Caroline, take a note. Get some guys on working out what happens when you split a zero, pronto. If it goes bang, sell it to the army. If it doesn’t go bang, sell it to the navy. If the navy figures out how to make it go bang, add a zero to the price and sell it to the army.
This is Cave Johnson, signing off. Do they say that after blogs? Screw them. Cave Johnson is a trend setter. I’m done here. Somebody get me a cigar.
*: (Shower Curtain Trade Magazine June 1959, ranked #104)