Historical note: Back in 2011, Epic Games released an announcement that they considered the PC to be a “primary platform”, after years of writing it off and developing console exclusives.
Say, um, PC. It’s me, Epic. You’ve been looking nice lately. Have you been working on your sales figures? Not that I was staring. But you’ve been kind of hard to forget since I’ve been gone, and I see all these keen, young indie developers around you all the time, and it’s got me thinking about the way things used to be between us.
Look, we both know I left you for a younger console. Okay, two younger consoles. But I just didn’t know what it was I really wanted. And I’m not here right now just because they haven’t aged as well as you – you’ve always been the most beautiful on the inside. It’s just that, well, now you’re more beautiful on the outside too. I’ve grown, you’ve grown, and they’ve just stood still. They never could do that high resolution you and I used to enjoy so much together, and they’ve told me flat out they’ll never do dual head video.
I know I sent a lot of press releases that hurt you. It wasn’t you, it was me, and it was wrong. I wish I’d never said PC gamers are nothing but a bunch of whiny, entitled pirates. You deserved better than shoddy console ports and delayed releases, but you always hurt the one you love, right? And I never stopped loving you.
Just tell me what I have to do to make it up to you. Do you want a new IP? I can do that. PC exclusives? Just say the word. You can have anything you want, just say you’re mine.
But, if you do take me back, please, wear this DRM over your head in public. I just don’t trust you.