I Am Aperture
A guest post by Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science Innovators.
I’m Cave Johnson, and I’m the head honcho here at Aperture. Founder, CEO, and all that jazz. Basically the buck stops here. Actually, lots of bucks stop here, on their way to my bank account. But that’s another story. I’m here to tell you about Science. Specifically, Aperture Science. There’s nobody better to tell you about Aperture than me because I am Aperture.
So what do we do here at Aperture? Who are you kidding? You already know who Aperture Science is. Are. Is. Damn it, should that be that “is” or “are”? Note to self: Ask Caroline. Anyway, we’ve been in the news a lot lately. You may have heard of us in connection to the Congressional inquiry as to why the habitable area of Idaho is 140 square miles smaller than it was last year, the 1.7 tonnes of weapons-grade uranium that enhanced an Aperture-owned water fluoridation plant, or our exceptionally cooperative attitude towards the Federal inquiry into the $1.3bn in pallets of hundred dollar bills that were legitimately resting in our warehouse prior to being moved to their eventual destination.
If you’re an investor, please take a moment to consider how big an investment you wish to make, then be prepared to add another few zeros when you see what we’ve got lined up for you.
If you’re a curious visitor, feel free to browse the blog and learn something about a little thing we call “science”.
If you’re an employee, you’re engaged in prohibited personal activity in violation of the Personal Use of Aperture Science Resources (Computing) section of your contract. You’re fired. Don’t bother to pick up your stuff on the way out, you can pick it out of the dumpster on Tuesday.
I’m Cave Johnson, and I AM APERTURE.