The Blogging Parlour

I think I have some biscuit crumbs down my trousers.

I regret to inform you…


Dear Mrs Doomed-Squaddie,

It is with a heavy heart I must tell you that your husband was killed on Tuesday while fighting aliens in China. I realise this may come as a bit of a shock, since you thought he was working for a double glazing installer in Croydon that happened to operate a 24 hour glazing service out of an immense and heavily guarded underground vault, but he was actually covertly battling extra-terrestrials as part of a top-secret multinational organisation.

I was not fortunate enough to know your husband for long, but in that time, I legally renamed him “Pantsy McPantsPants”. I gave him bright pink glowing armour to wear during stealthy night missions and I had him adopt an electric blue Guile haircut. On my orders he also grew a Hulk Hogan-style beard.

“Sandwich Maker”, as he was affectionately known to the squad, will be missed for his ability to throw a smoke grenade, run a bit, and use the same bandage three times. Before mission deployment he was always headbanging gently to some music only he could hear, and in his downtime he ran on the treadmill – sometimes for days on end.

Sadly, he died during Operation Uproarious Bucket, when, acting under orders, he charged a Chrysalid with an empty rifle after I forgot to tell him to reload. You might take some comfort from the fact that the Chrysalid that erupted from his rotting, shambling carcass had a highly successful (if brief) career, as it brutally slaughtered a building full of orphans with its razor sharp claws and incomprehensible alien rage. It was finally taken down by a grenade – which also killed the rest of his squad. I’m given to believe that the dropship pilot who witnessed it was quite distressed.

To commemorate this irreplaceable soldier, we stuck a knife in a table and bought a robot mini-tank that will perform about a dozen times as effectively as he did.

Yrs. Sncr. &c,

A. C. “Custard” Smingleigh (Lord), OBE (Withdrawn)
Brigadier, Her Majesty’s 3rd Mounted Extremely Irregulars (Catering), (Discharged, Dishon.)
Supreme Commander (Confirmed) and Saviour of Earth (Provisional), X-COM

This post first appeared as a comment on Rock Paper Shotgun on December 11 2012.


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4 thoughts on “I regret to inform you…

  1. Is there an RSS feed for this place? If not, I demand one! If there’s still none available on my next visist, I shall not return here again!

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